The River

Before Emma was born, I remember people telling me how much my life was going to change. "Nothing will be the same" they said. I didn't understand but decided that was part of having a baby and I could do it.

After I had her, things really didn't change that much. There was less sleep and a little less flexibility with my schedule. I had to plan ahead a little more when I went places, but she fit fairly seamlessly into our lives.

We could still hold her and do about anything. Go out to dinner, go to the movies, work out at home, watch our favorite TV shows, eat whatever we wanted for dinner. She didn't make a mess of our house, it was always very contained to where we were at the time.

As she got older and then we added Madelyn to the family, this began to change.

There is really nothing that remains untouched by a child in our housse. There is always something to clean, toys to pick up off the floor, endless laundry to do. Any household project takes 5X as long with children underfoot. It takes me weeks to catch up on my favorite shows. It is a lot less enjoyable to go as a family to a restaurant. Jared and I get a maximum of 2 hours in the day of just US time after they are in bed. When we do get a chance to talk, I have a hard time switching out of "mom mode" and not talking about potty training, sleep training, pacifier weaning and eating schedules.

Having children has officially CHANGED our lives.

But a friend once told me about the "river of parenthood". My parents once stood where I stand, on the bank of the river, entering into the river as often as we needed them. But at some point, they took a running jump and cannon balled in. They dealt with boulders, currents, little branches, big logs, cold water, etc. But they threw themselves into parenting 100%. And as their daughter, I'm so grateful they did. I would be a different person if they had only parented half-heartedly.

I feel like I am standing on the bank right now. Sometimes I get frustrated by the things I listed earlier, feeling like I'm a little inconvenienced by them sometimes. Like I "deserve" certain things and they interrupt that. But I love my girls, and I want to do what is best for them. So it is time. I need to dive in. I will still have "me" time and Jared and I have come to realize how important a weekly date night is, but I'm all in. I am mother. This is not only what I do, but who I am.